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Reframing is a powerful tool to manage or dissipate conflict at work or anywhere.
Our key to transforming anything lies in our ability to reframe it.—Maryanne Williamson
I first learned about reframing in my initial training to be a mediator. When one of the parties in the mediation makes a negative or accusatory comment, without exactly intervening, the mediator can restate and reframe, simultaneously honoring the person’s point, but recasting it as a less charged statement that the other person may be able to hear.
I’ve found reframing a very useful to help my clients both think differently about a conflict and change their behavior accordingly.
Reframe to change your thinking
One of my coaching clients, a CFO at an investment firm, said one of her direct reports, “Didn’t want to learn.” I challenged her to reframe, and instead of a judgment, assume the person did want to learn; then ask herself and the employee, “What is getting in the way of her learning? What is missing or blocking her?” When the CFO worked on this, she was able to release her assumptions and shift their interactions toward shared problem solving.
Reframe to change your response.
When the other person is insulting or accusatory, you can learn to respond from a calm empowered place rather than reacting defensively because you feel triggered or attacked.
I often start this conversation with my clients by sharing an example of my own. Several years ago I was taking the lead on a conflict management project. I sent out an email to the consultant team, laying out the terms of the engagement, logistics, their responsibilities and deadlines.
The next week, I saw one of the team members at a professional event, and he started asking me questions about the project. I said I was happy to answer, and, I had also put this information in the email.
He said, “I never got that email.”
I apologized profusely and straightaway sent it again.
When I called to follow up, his response was, “Oh I got that email.”
The clear implication was the email I had sent was inadequate. I wanted so much to react defensively and prove how complete and clear my email had been, but instead I did a conscious reframe which I’m still very proud of.
I said in a relieved tone, “I’m so glad to know you’re getting my emails. Please let me know if you need more information.”
I took the “sting” out of his criticism and handled it as positive information.
One of my clients, who unfortunately is in a mobbing situation, has repeatedly gotten unfair accusations that she has deliberately left people off invitation lists for meetings.
We decided one technique she could use was to include in each and every invite the statement, “I have made every effort to include everyone who needs to be on this distribution list. If you or someone you know was inadvertently left out, please let me know right away.”
Then if someone accuses her of leaving them out, she can just respond/reframe, “Thanks for letting me know. I will correct the list.”
Simple but not easy
Of course, my clients and I always find it challenging to not react defensively when we perceive an attack. We may need to vent in writing or with a safe person before responding. But learning to reframe, so we can respond in a calm, professional, positive manner even when being provoked, will help our peace of mind and our reputation at work.
Note: Details, including professions have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Lorraine Segal has a deep passion for helping people in organizations and corporations communicate better, resolve conflicts, let go of resentments, and deal with bullying. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies. She is also lead instructor for the Conflict Management Certificate, a professional development program at Sonoma State University. She is a contributing author to the recent book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. She writes a blog through her Conflict Remedy website and was recently listed as one of the Top Conflict Management experts to follow on LinkedIn. Contact Lorraine at https://ConflictRemedy.com for more information, to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her newsletter.