Mother hugging teen son after resolving conflict.Although it may sound like something only for unions or businesses, interest based negotiating is a cornerstone of improving communication and resolving conflict in personal relationships, including those between parents and teens.

When we are in relationship conflict, we all generally have our own story about who or what is causing the problem and how to solve it. We may be convinced that our proposal is the only viable solution, but the other person in the disagreement rarely sees the situation that way.

When we get fixated on this one solution, we close off the possibility of other options that could work.

For example, I worked with one mother and young teenaged son who were locked into a negative communication pattern. Every day, when the son came home from school, the mother asked him a series of questions about school and homework.

She wanted the information in order to be a good, proactive parent. But he he bitterly resented her “interrogation” and often angrily refused to answer. She became very frustrated and their interaction escalated, getting worse over time.

With some  gentle questions and support , they were able to share their underlying interests with me, but neither one of them could detach from the negative cycle enough to see other options.

I offered them a suggestion: that they put together a checklist to address the mother’s questions. When her son came home, she could hand it to him and he could fill it out. The mother could follow up if needed.

Their faces relaxed, and the son volunteered, unprompted, to create the form on their computer.They were relieved and amazed that they were both able to get what they wanted. The mother could get the needed information without triggering her son, breaking free of the pattern that wasn’t serving them.

If you are reaching an impasse with a teenager, ask:

  • Am I stuck on one solution that isn’t working?
  • What do I really want and need here?
  • What does the teenager really want and need?(Hint: You can make guesses and check them out if asking doesn’t work.)
  • What other possible options would meet both our needs?

With some openness, practice, and a lot of careful listening  you and your teen can start generating creative solutions that work for everyone.

Lorraine Segal

Lorraine Segal, Mediator, Trainer, Conflict Coach

 

 

 

Lorraine Segal is a conflict coach, trainer,and mediator specializing intransforming communication and conflict for parents, teens, and others. Her business,Conflict Remedy, is based in Santa Rosa, California. She also teaches in the conflict resolution program at Sonoma State University. She provides conflict coaching by telephone as well as face to face. Contact her to schedule a free initial telephone session. (707) 236-8079 or lorraine@conflictremedy.com or through this blog.

Parent-Teen Communication Workshop: Lorraine is offering a parent-teen communication workshop to the general public (for the first time) in Santa Rosa on February 26th, 2011. See Classes page for details.

© Lorraine Segal www.ConflictRemedy.com