Photo by Julien L on Unsplash added words by L.Segal
Misunderstandings and assumptions about what another person means, or what the word they use means, can really fuel conflicts. I’ve written a lot about this in terms of intercultural miscommunications and bias, but it can happen when there are no obvious cultural differences as well.
It’s fine.
A very good example of this for me is the word “fine”, and what it means to my wife and to me.
It seems like such a simple word, but my wife and I have had a number of frustrating interchanges and downright disagreements that started with this word.
When I ask my wife a direct question such as,
“Do you want to have broccoli with dinner?”, she often answers, “it’s fine.”
And she means, “That is a quite acceptable alternative.”
But in my family, when someone said “it’s fine.” What they really meant was,
“That isn’t at all what I want. But I don’t want to make a fuss openly, so I will be passive aggressive and say its okay and feel aggrieved and make sure you know I’m not happy.”
So my unfiltered response to my wife saying “it’s fine,” is to panic and fret and present alternatives.
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t have to make broccoli.”
“I could make green beans instead.”
“Or would you rather have carrot sticks?”
She gets frustrated and exasperated with me, and I get frantic, sure I’ve made the wrong choice and will hear subtle or not so subtle digs about it for a long time.
Remembering to translate.
We’ve been together over thirty-two years, and I have finally learned to remember to translate from my family’s dysfunctional “fine” to her straightforward one. We don’t have that useless argument any more.
If you and someone else at work or at home are having any miscommunications like this, one additional strategy is to see if different interpretations of a crucial word are creating unnecessary problems. Are you sure you mean the same thing? You can be curious and ask them!
By the way I once saw a very amusing demonstration of how people deflect with ” fine” on a retrospective of Gray’s Anatomy. Someone put together a series of clips from a number of different episodes, in which various characters say “I’m fine” or It’s fine”, when clearly they are upset and not fine at all.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir at BooklingPress.com Contact Lorraine at https://ConflictRemedy.com to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
Related blog posts:
Divine Listening and Managing Conflict
Five Strategies to Manage Conflict at Work
©Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy 2022