Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
Soft Front, Strong Back
What does it mean to have a “soft front” and a “strong back” in conversations with difficult people? I heard this phrase in an article from The Greater Good Center by Simon Greer. His focus was on how to have community conversations with people you deeply disagree with. But it applies equally well to difficult conversations or feedback at work or at home.
As Simon Greer describes it, having a soft front means being curious and open to hearing about another’s perspective, while a strong back refers to staying firm in your values and grounded in who you are.
This is a perfect combination for a tricky conversation with a family member or for giving difficult feedback to an employee at work. Maintaining boundaries without being rigid or defensive, and holding space with compassion, enables you to listen, and to understand the other person’s concerns and perspective while not compromising your perspective or needs.
A while ago, I practiced this with a difficult client. I had a “strong back”—inner certainty that I couldn’t continue to help her with her business, unless she was willing to recognize and deal with some problematic work relationships. But my “soft front” let me listen with curiosity and compassion. She was able to reach the same clarity herself, which I could then support, reinforce, and build on. It was a true breakthrough. If I had been rigid and lecturing, we would never have gotten there.
You can visualize your own strong back and soft front before you have a conversation:
Imagine standing tall and straight with excellent posture and a strong spine, while your “front”, or your heart, is open and curious. Your own inner clarity is important too, of course, but with a stance like this, the conversation could be much more positive. You could gain understanding you didn’t expect and find a productive path forward that you would never have imagined.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
Related posts and articles:
Having a Better Conversation–even with a demon
Four Steps for Inviting People to Discover Common Ground—Simon Greer
Update: One of my readers sent a such a lovely visualization for strong back/soft front that I want to share it with you:
Today’s article was a lesson I learned over 60 years ago as a student nurse. They taught us that exact thing as part of boundaries and preventing burnout. They asked us to picture a piece of steel reinforcing rod up our back while holding a pillow on our chest. This was to allow us to be compassionate, caring, an understanding listener and caregiver without letting all the pain, trauma and suffering of others take us down or carry it with us into other parts of our lives. That lesson has been a key in protecting myself from over involvement and at the same time allowing me to use my gift of compassion.
I’ve never thought of it consciously as part of difficult conversations, although, subconsciously I do use that concept. I guess after so many years of practice, it becomes an automatic way of being. I can remember early on having to actually silently say to myself, “soft front, strong back” before entering a hospital room or approaching a bedside😊. It was sort of a mantra for months!
Thanks for the reminding me of the lessons we learn along life’s path and to be grateful we learned them.–Carolyn
© 2026 Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy.com
I’m posting this direct comment from one of my readers because I thought it was a delightful visualization related to this post:
Today’s article was a lesson I learned over 60 years ago as a student nurse. They taught us that exact thing as part of boundaries and preventing burnout. They asked us to picture a piece of steel reinforcing rod up our back while holding a pillow on our chest. This was to allow us to be compassionate, caring, an understanding listener and caregiver without letting all the pain, trauma and suffering of others take us down or carry it with us into other parts of our lives. That lesson has been a key in protecting myself from over involvement and at the same time allowing me to use my gift of compassion.
I’ve never thought of it consciously as part of difficult conversations, although, subconsciously I do use that concept. I guess after so many years of practice, it becomes an automatic way of being. I can remember early on having to actually silently say to myself, “soft front, strong back” before entering a hospital room or approaching a bedside😊. It was sort of a mantra for months!
Thanks for the reminding me of the lessons we learn along life’s path and to be grateful we learned them.–Carolyn
So, so true. “Soft front, strong back” is easy to remember. Knowledge comes by a readiness to learn, so staying curious is a way to stay open. When we refuse to learn without examination, it’s a lack of readiness to explore and discover. Two people can learn so much by neutralizing their opinions or self-truths by suspension; albeit a temporary suspension.
There are times when both opinions are correct depending on the situation or close enough that a mutual understanding can take place. It’s all about staying open, patient and taking time to explore and discover more.