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How did you learn to turn your mistakes into stories?
This was the thoughtful question Alesia Grace Thompson asked me during my interview on the Mediate.com Great Reads Book Club. Alesia was referring to my memoir, Angels & Earthworms. This was a very rich question for me, with implications for successful conflict transformation.
What’s the Connection between Stories, Mistakes, and Conflict?
Any of you who follow my blog, know that one recurring theme in a number of posts is the power of stories to transform conflicts and our whole lives. As I’ve said before, the stories we tell ourselves and others about us, about others, about situations, have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and any conflicts or difficult situations we have. Positive stories can help us reframe what happened and work through conflicts well, while negative stories can keep us stuck. Learning to acknowledge mistakes and see the positive aspects of them is another theme I return to frequently.
In my memoir, I share many mistakes I made, and I share them with some humor and detachment, because I have done a lot of work on them! Most importantly:
- I know it is human to make mistakes and I actively work to forgive myself for mine and others for theirs.
- I learn from my mistakes and share what I learned with others, asking myself, “What can I do differently/better next time?”
- I encourage my clients to see their mistakes and misunderstandings, without shame or blame.
Why is it important to make room for mistakes?
When people don’t feel safe to make mistakes, they are brittle and defensive and it is hard for them to learn and grow. When people can accept mistakes as part of life and work, we are more resilient. As Melanie Beattie and others have said, “I make mistakes; I’m not a mistake.” That is a crucial difference.
Many of my mistakes make great stories now. But they wouldn’t, if I hadn’t put in the work to understand them, learn from them, make corrections and amends, and move on with compassion and laughter. Here is a small story about making mistakes from my memoir, from Chapter Eight, ESL Lessons, which is about my time as a tenured professor of English as a Second Language:
Making Mistakes
One of the concepts from my own healing that I started presenting to students during the first week of each semester was about making mistakes.
I would say to them, “Let’s talk for a minute about mistakes.” They would look up, startled, because they had never had a teacher broach this topic. I would continue, “You could sit in class all semester, and never open your mouth to say anything, never write anything, and you wouldn’t make any mistakes.”
Their eyes would grow very wide and they paid even closer attention to me. “But if you do that, do you think you’d be getting the most out of the class and learning as much as you could?”
Their eyes still very wide, they would shake their heads solemnly.
I would go on, “That’s because humans learn by making mistakes. I make mistakes every day. Lots of them. None of us is perfect. I encourage you to make as many mistakes as you can because you’ll learn more that way.”
When we can honor our mistakes, seeing ourselves as human together, in all our splendor and imperfection, working through conflicts and forgiving ourselves and others becomes a lot more doable.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir at BooklingPress.com Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
Related blog posts:
The Power of Story to Shift Conflicts
Acknowledging Mistakes at Work
The Importance of Making a Mess at Work
© Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy 2022