Discomfort versus Harm in a Conflict
One key teaching in my introductory class on conflict is that feelings are not facts. Feelings are real and need to be heard and acknowledged, but just because they are strong, doesn’t mean they reflect the truth of a situation. And when we feel uncomfortable with a topic, it doesn’t mean someone is hurting us or doing something wrong when they bring it up. To transform conflict, we must be able to detach, and to help our clients untangle this confusion.
Discomfort vs. harm
As reported in my local newspaper, The Press Democrat, Sonoma State University used a policy called “Time, Place, and Manner” to shut down students and faculty who were protesting about a controversial topic. An open letter from “Concerned Faculty of Color” states that the policy “conflates discomfort with physical harm” and that “it disproportionately harms marginalized communities on campus.” The administration clearly felt uncomfortable with the protest, but was it causing actual harm or was more harm caused by suppression of free speech?
Simply being in the room.
My colleague, Dan Berstein, a mediator who specializes in mediation and mental illness, offered another example in a recent webinar on bullying. He has well managed but severe bipolar disorder, and is open about it. Because sharing this information isn’t common or seems serious, some people feel nervous or uncomfortable simply being in a room with him, based solely on his discussion of mental health issues. They seem worried about what he might say to or about them. This is all about perception, not actual harm.
We don’t talk about that.
This kind of mistake can also happen in spiritual or self-help communities. I belong to a community organization that helps small business owners and others have clarity and good practices about money and solvency. Some members who were black, shared the impact bias has had on their finances. For example, it can be harder to find jobs and housing or get credit and business loans. Other group members, uncomfortable or unfamiliar with this issue, wanted to declare it outside the scope of the organization, even though it had a direct impact on some members’ economic well-being.
Are you being harmed?
In a famous 2015 legal case, Obrtgefell v. Hodges, those opposed to same sex marriage argued that they were being harmed by same sex couples getting married. But the majority of the Supreme Court rejected that argument, stating that married same-sex couples “would pose no risk of harm to themselves or third parties”. Though those opposed were clearly uncomfortable, they could bring no evidence that the institution of marriage was harmed by expanding it.
To transform conflict, be curious.
No one likes to be uncomfortable. But when that feeling comes up in a disagreement or a difficult conversation, it is immensely helpful to ask yourself first what is going on. If you can acknowledge your discomfort but not let it shut down your interaction, if you can be curious about the other person’s perspective, you have a much better chance of turning conflict into understanding.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
Related blog articles:
An Uncomfortable Listening Level
© Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy2025