Employer Ghosting and Difficult Conversations

Employer Ghosting and Difficult Conversations

Have you ever applied for a job, gone through a seemingly successful multiple stage interview process, and then never heard back? I have, and it felt awful. And I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Employer ghosting, as it is called, is far too common, despite its adverse impact on applicants and employers.

I read an article about this recently by Michelle Singletary, one of my favorite syndicated columnists, who writes about financial and employment issues, which resonated because of my experienc..

My ghosting experience

I was contacted by a VP at a local (ish) community college, wanting help with conflict at his school. After an initial positive phone call, we set up a face to face interview. I drove an hour to get to there, only to find out that the VP, who made the appointment himself, had neglected to put it in his official calendar or let anyone else know. He wasn’t even on campus. I probably should have let the engagement go right then, but he apologized and really wanted to meet with me, so I drove out there again. The interview went very well, and he seemed to want to hire me. He asked for a written proposal of how I would address the conflict, a combination of training and coaching in this case, and how much it would cost. I sent the detailed proposal, then followed up by phone the following week. He liked the proposal, but asked me to make some revisions. After sending the changes, I followed up by email and phone, several times, confident he would contact me, but he never did. This was a month long process of dialogue and engagement, but I never found out what happened.

How rude

To me, letting someone you’ve invited and encouraged know you won’t be hiring them after all is a minimum professional and respectful courtesy. Ghosting puts the VP and the college in a bad light and fuels a bad reputation.

So why would he and other employers do this?

I suspect that this ghosting is about not knowing how to have a difficult conversation. Certainly, telling someone you are not going to hire them after extensive interaction is uncomfortable and requires some courage, but avoidance is worse! Unfortunately, too many people in leadership positions have never learned to have these conversations.

How to have the conversation–Keep it simple

Without blame, you can say something like, “I really appreciate your time and the skills you have, but we decided to: go with a different candidate or go in a different direction or hold off on this. Thank you for applying and I wish you all the best.”

That’s it. You don’t owe them the details why; that only leads to an argument, or them trying to prove you’re wrong and they are the best candidate. Keep it clear and simple and say the same thing twice if necessary, then get off the phone or end the email, knowing you did your best in a challenging situation.

Nobody likes to hear they haven’t been hired, but I know how much better I would have felt to know, rather than wonder and feel bad and frustrated. I’ve coached many leaders how to deliver negative results or information in a clear, straightforward way. Once you use this honest, simple approach, you won’t want to go back to ghosting!

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related articles:

Good Leaders Navigate Conflict Skillfully

Don’t Overexplain in Difficult Conversations

Employer Ghosting Becoming Common—Michelle Singletary
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