Is There an Elephant in Your Meeting Room?

Is there an  elephant in your meeting room?  If so, it may be fueling conflict and blocking solutions to problems. You might have heard the term “the elephant in the room”, which refers to a situation or crisis that everyone knows is there but are afraid or reluctant to talk about or even acknowledge.  Avoidance is one of the conflict strategies I’ve written about in other articles, and although it can be appropriate in certain situations, this reluctance to have an uncomfortable conversation can lead to elephants, stagnation and chronic conflict.

How do you know if this is happening with a team you manage?

According to Dina Denham Smith in her HBR article How to Discuss the Undiscussable on Your Team, some of the signs that show up in meetings include quick consensus without thoughtful discussion or debate, disengaged employees who don’t participate, persistent conflict, and  indirect rather than direct reference to problems. If you see any of these signs, it is important to taken positive action, because elephants rarely if ever go away on their own. If you keep avoiding and denying, the problem will escalate—with eventual explosions, people leaving, more tension and less teamwork.

If the consequences are so dire, why are many managers unwilling to engage and discuss the elephant?

Fear is a common answer. Fear of what will happen, fear you don’t know how to navigate these difficult conversations, fear people won’t like you. But generally, our fearful, nightmarish visions of what could happen are far more extreme than the reality. People are often relieved that the difficult subject is being broached.

How can you face the elephant more easily?

• Do your own inner work first to understand what is really going on with you, so the fear doesn’t dominate. You can practice introducing a difficult topic with a safe friend or mentor, visualizing a positive outcome.
• Value and honor honesty—show how much you truly want to understand.
• Listen to what the team needs to say without defensiveness or blame.
• Ask curious follow up questions in meetings and one on one about the problems, what is working, what isn’t working and their suggestions for what would make it better.
• Thank people sincerely for their input.
• Build trust by your actions and reactions. Acknowledge people’s contributions and follow up on suggestions wherever possible.
• See your team as a treasured brain trust—not because they do everything right or don’t have their own issues, but because most people care and want to contribute at work if the environment encourages and rewards that.

If you suspect one team member’s behavior or lack of contribution is the elephant, talk with them honestly about the problem, set boundaries, and ask how you can help.

Neither you nor your team is going to do any of this perfectly, especially at first. Changing patterns of (non) communication can feel awkward and wrong at first. But the rewards of changing in this direction are well worth the effort.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related blog posts:

 

An Uncomfortable LIstening Level

Dealing with Toxic Co-Workers or Bosses

© Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy 2024