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Reframing Accusations
When one of your colleagues or team members, takes on a commitment, and then doesn’t follow through, it is frustrating! But how do you deal with it? It is quite human and understandable to be disappointed or angry. Honestly, though, do judgements or accusations help the situation or your work relationship? Not really.
Today’s example:
A community organization I belong to rotates leadership positions. Someone who has been in the group for a long time offered to step up and be the facilitator for August. The first meeting was August 1st, and she was a no-show, so someone else had to lead at the last minute. I said I would contact her. It took three attempts before I had a text that I felt comfortable sending:
First unfinished attempt:
Where (the bleep) were you?? You were supposed to lead the meeting!
(deleted)
Second unfinished attempt:
You said you were going to lead the meeting, but you didn’t show up and didn’t tell anyone!
(deleted)
Third attempt:
Hi, XXX–Not sure what happened. You were supposed to lead the meeting this morning, but you weren’t here. Will you be able to do it the rest of the month? Or do we need to find someone else? Please let me know. Be well.
(sent)
I can’t swear the third one still didn’t have a whiff of resentment, but I believe it was a lot better than the other two.
What made attempt number three better?
Neutral language:
You weren’t here (fact) instead of you didn’t show up (judgement),
Not sure what happened makes room for an unforeseen crisis instead of you didn’t tell anyone (accusation).
Why is it better to use neutral language? When you accuse people, they feel defensive. They are less likely to acknowledge their mistake and take responsibility or be willing to change if they are fending off an attack. And accusations can damage your working relationship going forward, especially important if someone is a long-term team member.
If you have strong feelings about what happened, venting in a safe way to release the energy can help clear your heart and head, but a rant is not useful to say or send to the person. Of course, if what went wrong is egregious and you’re firing them, that’s a different story.
Three key suggestions:
- Vent first if you need to (far away from the person).
- Stick to neutral rather than accusatory language.
- Don’t assume the reason for the mistake or bad intentions on their part.
It takes practice and commitment to refrain from accusations and reframe them instead, but it will definitely make your work life smoother to do so.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
Related blog articles:
Reframing: A Powerful Tool to Manage Conflict at Work