photo credit: garrettc Mission Burritos via photopin (license)

The Burrito of Change

How do we change habitual patterns of communication which lead to conflict at work or at home?

We’ve all been there, having the same negative conversation with a co-worker or family member that we’ve had before, helpless to change the outcome. It is as if we are watching an accident happen in slow motion; we still can’t make it stop. Despite our best efforts, we still arrive at an unpleasant destination; one which impedes harmonious, productive relationships with co-workers and others.

In a class I was teaching last weekend on Communication Skills in Conflict Resolution, students had a chance to practice a difficult conversation they needed to have with a co-worker, boss, or loved one. One student commented afterwards, that even with the conscious intention of listening carefully and reflectively, she had short-circuited the other person’s feelings almost immediately by jumping to problem solving, one of the pitfalls she had read about and that we had just discussed. She clearly was distressed that she hadn’t been able to apply the newly learned technique. I, however, commended her for her awareness of the old behavior.

I realized just how challenging it is to change habitual behavior when I went to a popular taqueria and ordered a chicken burrito without the sour cream. My order was written down, and the “no sour cream” confirmed by the food worker. But as I stood at the counter watching her make the burrito, she put a scoop of sour cream on my burrito before I could stop her. I reminded her of my request, she apologized, and made me a new burrito—and proceeded to include a scoop of sour cream for the second time. She realized what she had done and started again. The third time she got it right, and I got my (delicious) burrito sans sour cream at last.

Now, why did this happen when she knew I didn’t want the sour cream? She could have just been distracted, but I don’t think so. I think she had made hundreds of burritos a day for many weeks or months and put sour cream on most of them. It had become an integral part of her burrito making sequence, and a conscious awareness that she needed to do something different for this order wasn’t enough to change her behavior until there had been several mistakes and attempts to remember.

In my experience, it takes awareness, repetition, and willingness, to transform habitual patterns and forge new neural connections, whether it is about putting ingredients in a burrito or having a successful, difficult conversation with someone at work or elsewhere. We all need to be patient with our own repeated mistakes and the mistakes of others as we pursue the burrito of change and learn to communicate better in challenging situations.

Lorraine Segal has her own Santa Rosa, California based business, Conflict Remedy, transforming communication and conflict through training, communication & forgiveness coaching, mediation and facilitation for organizations, parents & teens, couples, and others. She offers coaching by telephone and video conferencing as well as face to face and also teaches in the Conflict Resolution program at Sonoma State University.

©Lorraine Segal www.ConflictRemedy.com
photo credit: garrettc Mission Burritos via photopin (license)