You start what seems like a simple conversation with your teen, but before you even know what happened, you’re screaming at each other. How did you get to this horrible place so fast with someone you deeply love?
Our feelings are an essential part of communication and relationships, but unmanaged anger can sabotage us. When we’re angry, we can’t listen or resolve problems well, and any loving connection is blocked.
So what can parents and teens do in the heat of confrontation to handle anger and make space for positive communication? Here are some suggestions:
Name the emotion
Ask yourself–What am I feeling at this moment? (I’m angry, frustrated, fed-up, furious). This acknowledgement diminishes the impact of emotion, helping us detach from the intensity.
Notice your physical response
Ask yourself–What is happening right now in my body? (My face is starting to get hot, my hands are clinching, my breathing is restricted, my heart is pounding). This also helps with detachment and centering.
Take regular deep breathes
Many meditation practices teach breathing. Here is one simple exercise: Breathe in through your nose counting to three, breathe out through your mouth counting to three, then repeat with four. Think to yourself: I am breathing in peace, I am breathing out peace.
Take a time out.
Sometimes taking a short break can help us remember and apply these techniques.
These simple suggestions can help us begin to manage anger instead of letting it subvert us. It takes some practice to remember them in the crucial moment, but when we do, we open our hearts to connection and compassionate listening.
Lorraine Segal is a conflict coach, trainer, and mediator specializing in transforming communication for parents, teens, and others. Her business, Conflict Remedy, is based in Santa Rosa, California. She also teaches in the conflict resolution program at Sonoma State University. She provides conflict coaching and mediation by telephone as well as face to face. Contact her to find out about workshops, small coaching groups or to schedule a free initial telephone session. You can reach her at (707) 236-8079, lo******@co************.com or this blog.
Some ideas for this post came from Anastasia Pryanikova, M.A., J.D.http://brainalchemist.com
© Lorraine Segal www.ConflictRemedy.com
