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Habit and Conflict
Do your habits affect how you experience and deal with conflict? The short answer—yes!
Our habits, for better or worse, are part of what makes us human. And they can make life easier. When I stumble into my kitchen in the early morning, half awake, it is only habit, taking the same actions I do every morning, that lets me get breakfast together, make much needed coffee, and get ready for the day without standing dazed in the middle of the kitchen.
But other habits, such as chronic bickering or procrastinating about tasks we need to complete but don’t want to, can negatively impact our lives.
In a conflict or disagreement, habits of thought about a situation or person we perceive as difficult, can definitely impact outcomes. If someone comes to our office, for example, with a question, and we are thinking, oh no, what idiotic thing do they want now, the conversation is much less likely to be cordial and helpful. Or if we are sure someone’s comment in a meeting is intended to insult us, we won’t hear what they have to say and maybe lose the topic of the meeting beyond that.
I am always reminding my clients and students, that we can’t generally control other people or situations, but we can modify our own thinking and reactions if we work at it.
So how can we change our habitual ways of thinking and reacting in a conflict??
As Mark Twain said, Habit is habit. Not to be flung out the window, but coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.
We can’t make instant changes that stick, but slowly and gradually, with persistence and repetition, we can change our responses. A wise therapist I know says that our habitual behaviors and patterns of thinking create bundled connections in our brains that are like neural superhighways. I always tell my students and clients about this, then I add: when we try different ways of thinking and reacting, at first it is like a tiny animal track in the woods. It is hard to see and easy to wander away from. But if we keep visiting the new trail, over time it becomes a new established path and we don’t have to work so hard at a better response.
My students and clients are generally receptive to gaining a new perspective, but that doesn’t mean they always remember or do it perfectly. I encourage them, and all of us to not have unrealistic expectations that we can instantly change our thinking and behavior once we gain a new insight. Instead, let’s remember to applaud whatever progress we make and offer ourselves (and others) gentleness and forgiveness for being works in progress.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
Related blog post:
The Power of Trying in Conflict Management
The Burrito of Change: A Lesson in Transforming Conflict Communication Habits
© 2024 Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy