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“Catch and Release”–a concept that can help us navigate conflict better.
I heard someone at a community meeting use the term “catch and release” to describe how they turn their own thoughts from negative to positive. It struck me immediately that this was an excellent phrase to describe some of the work I do with my conflict management coaching clients.
Catch and Release isn’t just for fish
In case you don’t know fishing terminology, some people will catch fish and then release them. This practice seems to still harm the fish, but, nonetheless, is a useful concept for resolving conflict.
Make room for feelings, then let them go
People sometimes mistakenly think that emotions and assumptions, have no place in resolving conflicts, that you “should” be completely detached, factual, analytic. But the truth is, that feelings are at the center of human interactions at work, as well as in other aspects of our lives. And we all make assumptions based on our perceptions and experience.
If we try to deny these feelings and judgements, they seep out indirectly anyway and can derail or poison good communication and understanding. On the other hand, if people are consumed by their negative thoughts and emotions, holding them close and fast, that is equally harmful to positive communication and impedes the ability to work through differences.
Here are some helpful steps to “catch and release” feelings in a conflict:
- “Catch” the feelings
What does it mean to “catch” feelings?
It involves making them conscious instead of just running with them. You can learn to explore what you’re feeling and name it. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling?” “How would I describe these feelings?”
- Accept the feelings
Without worrying about if you “should” be feeling the way you are, simply accept and acknowledge your emotions. You can say something like: “I’m feeling___________. Yes. That’s it. And that’s ok.”
- Look for the source.
Ask yourself, “Where are the feelings coming from?”” Did the person hit an emotional trigger?” “Did they break one of your rules of correct behavior?” “Are you operating from a negative assumption about who they are and their intentions?” Steps 2 and 3 can help you detach from what you’re feeling without pretending it isn’t there.
- “Release” the feelings
Once you’ve acknowledged the feelings and explored their source, gently let them go. You don’t know if your perceptions are accurate or true. And, they can get in the way of good communication. By “releasing” these feelings, you make room for curiosity and willingness to listen to the other person’s perspective and speak your truth without accusations. You can ask yourself, “How are they seeing the situation?” What is their truth?” “Am I open to alternate possibilities?” “Can I hold their truth and my own simultaneously?”
Part of the work I do with my clients is guiding them through processes like this, offering perspective, examples, and support. With practice and help, they become able to go through these steps on their own. With willingness, awareness, and rehearsal, you can, too!
Please note: No fish were harmed in the writing of this blog post.
About Lorraine Segal
As a teacher, trainer, consultant, and coach, I am passionately committed to helping people in organizations and companies learn skills to release conflicts and misunderstandings, communicate better, heal from bullying, and create a more harmonious and productive workplace. I lead the Conflict Management certificate program at Sonoma State University, and teach communication, bullying awareness, and conflict management skills there and online. I create customized programs for businesses, non profits, and the public sector, as well as working with individual managers and employees. For more information about how we might work together, or to request a free short consult or a full session, visit ConflictRemedy.com
© Lorraine Segal Conflict Remedy 2019