Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Love yourself and don’t be a jerk is good advice for any conflict.
Why? While I want my clients to see their contribution, to own their part in any problematic situation, self-blame doesn’t help you do this in any effective way. It actually makes you more likely to be a jerk. It may seem counterintuitive, but being too hard on yourself makes you defensive and reactive, and actually decreases your ability to take responsibility and discern appropriate actions.
So what does loving yourself look like in this situation?
You have to view your mistakes with compassion. It doesn’t mean ignoring what you did wrong. It is important to acknowledge it. But it does mean first affirming you’re doing the best you can at this moment. And, then, being open to understanding your mistakes and correcting your underlying misunderstandings so you can learn, grow, and do better.
How do I help my clients find this balance?
The very first thing I do is to listen and support my clients. They are hurt and angry and need empathy first. They may be blaming themselves or the other person, but in either case, they have a deep need to be seen and heard and met where they are. Spring Washam, a mediation teacher quoted by Dan Harris in his TED talk, The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself” put it this way. “If you want to be less of a jerk to other people, you need to start by being less of a jerk to yourself.”
This is actually another key to how I approach my clients. I am always on their side. This isn’t about them being perfect or even right. It is a fundamental acceptance that they have worth as a human being. And, once they know that and feel it, I can ever so gently help them look at what they might’ve misunderstood, and how they can do better in interactions with people they find difficult. It is amazing to me how many conflicts transform or even disappear when this happens, especially if both people in a conflict are working on it.
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.
© Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy 2023