On my neighborhood walks, I sometimes see a house that displays not just one, but a whole array of American flags even when no patriotic holiday is coming up. Instantly, I form a negative judgment about the people who live there.
I assume their politics are extremely conservative, that they listen to hate radio, that they don’t critically assess current events, that they hate immigrants and gay people—you get the idea. Without ever having talked to or even glimpsed these people, I make up a detailed story about their defects from my perspective.
And yet, it occurred to me recently, some of the very same yards that bristle with flags also feature exquisitely manicured lawns, harmonious, serene landscaping and vivid displays of flowers, all of which I enjoy and deeply appreciate. I recognized, almost against my will, that I respect and admire the hard work and artistry that goes into creating and maintaining such a lovely front yard, even if I vehemently disagree with the owner’s (presumed) politics.
The contrast between my initial judgment and my garden inspired reassessment, illustrates a transformation that conflict resolution specialists always hope for in a mediation or coaching session.
While it is very human to form instant judgments, unless we can set them aside and help clients do the same, we cannot heal deep disagreements. A willingness to discard self-righteous (and self-serving) assumptions, to truly listen and share our own truth are essential steps for peace making and creative problem solving. Mediators know that when feuding parties find some affinity, no matter how small, it often ripples out into the whole discussion and enables them to hear each other for the first time.
A shared love of natural beauty has softened my attitude to the flag wavers. I can no longer view them only as “the enemy.” I welcome this change, because I feel better and safer in the world when I see value in others, even those whose behavior or opinions I find objectionable.
Lorraine Segal has her own Santa Rosa, California based business, Conflict Remedy, specializing in transforming communication and conflict through training, conflict coaching, mediation and facilitation for organizations, parents & teens, couples, and others.. She provides coaching by telephone and SKYPE as well as face to face. She teaches classes in the conflict resolution program at Sonoma State University.
© Lorraine Segal www.ConflictRemedy.com
Glad I’m getting your stuff, i usually don’t need too much conflict resolution but lately I have! I’m a Vice President of an organization and the President is hard for me to work with and I’ve been in fear… I’ll pay attn to the lessons you’ve helped make available, thank you, M.
I’ve been struggling for some time with an individual who is negative and ego driven and with whom I’m forced to work for a common end. I’ve tried praying for this individual…I’ve tried seeing “her” side or perspective
…..but I’ve never focused on what we share (indeed I resist it) but we do share a common reason for being in this venture together and that may provide an avenue to
be more giving and appreciative.
At the very least, there’s food for thought here.
“On my neighborhood walks, I sometimes see a house that displays not just one, but a whole array of American flags even when no patriotic holiday is coming up. Instantly, I form a negative judgment about the people who live there.
I assume their politics…—you get the idea.”
Lorraine,
Thank you for sharing this. admittedly, i was a bit shocked that you associate the American Flag, or multiple flags being displayed as it belonging to someone with a whole array of attributes- especially hate.
I am not sure if it is because of a certain event or events that led to this mindset, but honestly, I did find it upsetting. It seems like the flag itself was the enemy along with the person owning it. I do find it interesting, if that is the case, how the American flag became such a symbol to you.
I often display the flag and not just on the ‘known’ holidays but also during such events as when USA was playing in the soccer world cup.
I appreciate you sharing this story, and your transformation.
Thanks for your comment, Jeff. The American flag really does symbolize different things to different people. I find it charming, actually, that you fly the flag during the World Cup. As for your question, I grew up in a very conservarive community with a lot of flags waving, and a lot of talk about patriotism. Many of the biggest “flaggers” were also filled with suspicion of anyone different, and downright prejudiced against Jews (who had devil horns) and Catholics (who were going to hell). This community had a semi secret realtors conspiracy to keep out African Americans and Latinos, who worked there but were unable to live there. So, that experience has certainly influenced my perspective. For another perspective, this one by the famous people’s historian Howard Zinn, please click on this link below.
http://www.progressive.org/media_mpzinn070106