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The problem of perfection in conflict…How does perfection hurt conflict management at work?
“The challenge is not to be perfect; it is to be whole.”—Jane Fonda
I read this quote by Jane Fonda recently, and I was struck with how applicable the contrast of perfection vs. wholeness are to conflict management challenges as well.
How does trying to be perfect negatively impact conflict?
If you believe you have to be perfect, then you are unwilling to acknowledge your mistakes.
If you need to be perfect, then you need to blame the other person for the problem so you have no responsibility for it.
Needing to be perfect makes it hard to listen calmly with curiosity to what someone else has to say and accept their perspective as different rather than bad.
If you need to be perfect, you will judge yourself and others harshly and condemn them for their mistakes. You will assume that a direct report, a colleague, or a supervisor who gets something wrong is incompetent, which negatively impacts giving and receiving feedback effectively and, can lead to bullying behaviors.
You will easily get emotionally triggered, viewing any questions about your decisions as challenges or attacks .
And, this need to be right always, which is impossible, leads to rigidity. To others, you will appear even less perfect, which fuels a vicious cycle.
How can you shift to wholeness?
First, recognize that being perfect is an impossible goal.
Remind yourself that true competence, true leadership, and connection mean making lots of mistakes and learning from them.
Forgive yourself and others for being human–you’re in good company!
Seek clarity, and understanding in human conversations rather than judgement.
Choose flexibility and resilience, which allows you to set professional boundaries without building walls.
Remember that feeling superior or negatively judging another might provide short term relief, but will damage relationships longer term.
Simple but not easy
These suggestions are simple, but not necessarily easy to follow when you are trying to break long established habits. In my own experience and in working with clients, I find it easier to start with self- love, positive affirmations and gentle reminders to change my thinking and then work on my behavior toward others. Sometimes, taking a thorough look at past patterns and experiences is helpful. Peaceful resiliency, inner strength, compassion for yourself and others all feel good and are valuable qualities for leaders or anyone!
Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, manage conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies. She is also lead instructor for the Conflict Management Certificate, a professional development program at Sonoma State University. She is a contributing author to the books, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying and Living Together: Surviving a Pandemic. She writes a blog through her Conflict Remedy website and was listed as one of the Top Conflict Management experts to follow on LinkedIn. Contact Lorraine at https://ConflictRemedy.com for more information, to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her newsletter.